At Sessions, we believe that understanding boundaries is fundamental to mental health and healthy relationships. Our team of therapists recently discussed this crucial topic, and we wanted to share some insights that might help you navigate boundaries in your own life.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are the parameters, guidelines, and limits that an individual establishes to make themselves feel safe—physically, emotionally, and mentally. They enable people to ask for and feel respect in relationships. As renowned researcher Brené Brown puts it simply: boundaries come down to "what's okay and what's not okay."

But here's where many people get confused: boundaries aren't about controlling other people's behavior. They're about changing what you do.

"Boundaries are really for you. Boundaries are, I am not going to tolerate this behavior anymore. Or I want this kind of vibe in my world. And therefore, I'm going to change what I am doing."

“Boundaries are really for you. Boundaries are, I am not going to tolerate this behavior anymore. Or I want this kind of vibe in my world. And therefore, I’m going to change what I am doing.”

When you set a boundary, you're essentially saying, "When you do this, I feel X, Y, Z, and I don't want to feel that anymore. So if you keep doing it, I'm going to change how I respond." Then comes the crucial part: you actually have to follow through and make that change.

The Selfishness Myth

One of the biggest barriers to setting boundaries is the fear that they're selfish. This misconception keeps many people trapped in unhealthy patterns. The truth is quite the opposite: boundaries are the ultimate act of self-compassion, and they're compassionate to others as well.

When you set appropriate boundaries, you're giving yourself the respect and love to stand up for yourself, perhaps in ways you never did before. Yes, it will feel uncomfortable—that's normal. But that discomfort doesn't make it selfish.

“Boundaries are the opposite of selfish. They’re kind of the ultimate act of self-compassion where you're giving yourself the respect and love to stand up for yourself in a way perhaps you never did before.”

Boundaries also preserve relationships. They're what allow you to stay in loving relationship with someone rather than harboring resentment or showing up as less than your whole self.

Why Boundaries Are So Hard to Set

There are several common barriers that make boundary-setting challenging:

Fear of Selfishness: Many people don't feel entitled to set boundaries, especially those from collectivist cultures or family systems that prioritize others' needs over individual well-being.

Fear of Hurting Others: We worry that our boundaries might hurt someone's feelings or even end the relationship entirely.

Fear of Abandonment: There's often an underlying fear that if we set a boundary, the other person might leave us, leading to over-accommodation and self-sacrifice.

Lack of Practice: If you've never set boundaries before, asserting one can feel like a major shift that might be "game-changing" for your relationships.

Boundaries as Reparative Conflict

Rather than viewing boundary-setting as adversarial or dangerous, we can reframe it as "reparative conflict"—a way of saying, "I trust you and I love this relationship enough to weather this discomfort and co-create something that supports us both in our individuality and our connection."

This perspective shows respect for the other person's ability to show up, manage their feelings, and engage to improve the relationship.

When You Can’t Set Boundaries

It's important to acknowledge that not everyone has the same power or privilege to set boundaries. Economic constraints, safety concerns, caregiving responsibilities, and other systemic factors can limit someone's ability to establish the boundaries they need.

“There are plenty of people in the world who, just for social justice reasons, don’t have access to setting their own boundaries... It can be really gaslighting, all of this conversation about, oh, set the boundaries, take care of yourself, when there’s huge numbers of people that just can’t.”

This reality often brings people to therapy—figuring out how to make changes in their lives that are safe, generative, and inclusive rather than chaotic.

Recognizing When You Need Boundaries

Your emotions are often the best indicators that boundaries are needed. Pay attention to feelings of:

Resentment: A clear sign that you need a boundary somewhere
Overwhelm and exhaustion: Indicators that you're giving more than you can sustain
Burnout: A signal that you're not respecting your own limits
That gut feeling of "I don't want to be here": Your internal wisdom telling you something needs to change

Remember, boundaries aren't just about relationships with other people—they're also about the limits you set with yourself. For example, committing to attend yoga every Tuesday at 5 PM is a boundary you create for your own physical, mental, and emotional wellness.

Practical Tips from Therapists

1. Start by Identifying Your Boundaries Get still and quiet, perhaps through journaling or mindfulness. Ask yourself: Where do I feel depleted? Where am I showing up exhausted and burned out? What do I need for situations to feel good to me?

2. Check the Intensity of Your Reaction Before acting on strong emotions, pause and examine the intensity. What do you want to accomplish by setting this boundary? How can you approach it in a way that maintains closeness if that's your goal?

3. Trust Others' Resilience Most people are more resilient than we give them credit for. Even if they resist initially or don't like your boundary, you're opening a dialogue. People will usually take steps with you rather than ending the relationship entirely.

Key Takeaways

Boundaries are about changing your behavior, not controlling others
Setting boundaries is an act of self-compassion, not selfishness
Boundaries preserve relationships by preventing resentment and burnout
Your emotions (resentment, overwhelm, exhaustion) are key indicators you need boundaries
Not everyone has equal power or privilege to set boundaries—systemic factors matter
Boundaries can be "reparative conflict" that strengthens relationships
Start by identifying what you need and where you feel depleted
Trust that most people are resilient enough to engage in boundary conversations

Understanding and implementing healthy boundaries is often a process that benefits from professional support. If you're struggling with boundary-setting in your relationships, consider reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you navigate these challenges in a safe, supportive environment.

The therapists at Sessions are here to support you in developing healthy boundaries and creating the relationships you want in your life. Contact us to learn more about how therapy can help you build these essential life skills.

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Boundaries: A Therapist’s Guide to Self-Compassion and Healthy Relationships